- Gandalf shows up at Bilbo's house like a creepy old uncle, then Gandalf and a horde of dwarves crash Bilbo's house, eat all of his food and drink all of his wine like a big bacchnalian scene from Animal House sans femmes. There are more than a few jokes about how Bilbo would make a better grocer than a burgler. Unclear at this point why anyone thinks Bilbo would be a burglar, because he's still meant to be the character from Babe the Pig. The adventure begins, but Bilbo prefers to be at home near his fireplace and cupboards. Scene.
- Trolls in the woods! These are talking trolls, and some dwarves do something doofy and become in peril. Gandalf bails them out, uses sunlight to scare off trolls as if they were vampires and this were a teenage love story based in a small town in the Pacific Northwest but more realistically the animals living out in the wild would be werewolves but they're actually trolls, and then Gandalf gets two wicked swords. More Bilbo jokes, including Tolkein's own dorky admittance that hobbits "really love maps". Scene.
- They go to Gandolf's friend Elrond's house (the Last Homely House) and they eat and drink and smoke for a few days. Scene.
- They keep adventuring, they go into a cave, there are goblins in the cave, the group is separated. One delinquent dwarf loses Bilbo or he's too delinquent to be able to remain unseen in a lightless cave--whatever. There's like a war or something, and the wicked swords are involved, and the goblins are mad. After Bilbo recovers from a little fainting spell or panic attack or something, he finds a ring, and bumbles on, runs into an outcast, smaller, annoying goblin named Gollum who asks riddles. Bilbo stumps him, realizes the ring is Gollum's, realizes the ring turns people invisible when they wear it, runs away, runs outside, sees his friends having fun without him but he's invisible so he's kind of awkwardly realizing how little his peers respect him, he becomes visible, everybody awkwardly laughs, the ring is still a secret. Scene.
- More adventuring, they're hungry, they come to a clearing, there are wolves, wolves are angry, the crew climbs trees to hide from wolves, Bilbo is pathetic and can't climb trees so he climbs a dwarf instead, and gandalf throws fireballs at the wolves, and then the wolves go away, and then giant hawks come and pick them all up like a fast taxi service and everyone hangs out in a cool hawk tree house platform thing. Scene.
- They go to a bear-man's house, and Gandalf treats the bear-man like an idiot. G tells the whole "omg there were wolves and we climbed trees and we threw fireballs" story to the host and brings in the whole crew, two by two, and really acts like an asshole by treating the bear-man so insultingly. Would you treat a man who could become a bear like an idiot? Then everyone eats and drinks and smokes all night, bear-man tells people not go to outside or they'll die, they stay for a few days drinking and smoking and eating, and then they leave. Bear-man doesn't eat anyone and I feel taken advantage of at this point. Scene.
Oh, I'm at the point in the book where if they describe their setting as windy one more time, I'm throwing this goddamned book into the subway tracks. Led Zeppelin taught me that this world is MISTY and there is a MOUNTAIN and little creatures bounce to insane guitar riffs, but nowhere so far has that message really rang true. The second half of this book better involve a lot more ass-kicking.