plotzed

here's what i've got so far.

1. Gandalf shows up at Bilbo's house like a creepy old uncle, then Gandalf and a horde of dwarves crash Bilbo's house, eat all of his food and drink all of his wine like a big bacchnalian scene from Animal House sans femmes.  There are more than a few jokes about how Bilbo would make a better grocer than a burgler.  Unclear at this point why anyone thinks Bilbo would be a burglar, because he's still meant to be the character from Babe the Pig.  The adventure begins, but Bilbo prefers to be at home near his fireplace and cupboards. Scene.
   
   
2. Trolls in the woods!  These are talking trolls, and some dwarves do something doofy and become in peril.  Gandalf bails them out, uses sunlight to scare off trolls as if they were vampires and this were a teenage love story based in a small town in the Pacific Northwest but more realistically the animals living out in the wild would be werewolves but they're actually trolls, and then Gandalf gets two wicked swords.  More Bilbo jokes, including Tolkein's own dorky admittance that hobbits "really love maps".  Scene.
   
   
3. They go to Gandolf's friend Elrond's house (the Last Homely House) and they eat and drink and smoke for a few days.  Scene.
   
   
4. They keep adventuring, they go into a cave, there are goblins in the cave, the group is separated.  One delinquent dwarf loses Bilbo or he's too delinquent to be able to remain unseen in a lightless cave--whatever. There's like a war or something, and the wicked swords are involved, and the goblins are mad. After Bilbo recovers from a little fainting spell or panic attack or something, he finds a ring, and bumbles on, runs into an outcast, smaller, annoying goblin named Gollum who asks riddles. Bilbo stumps him, realizes the ring is Gollum's, realizes the ring turns people invisible when they wear it, runs away, runs outside, sees his friends having fun without him but he's invisible so he's kind of awkwardly realizing how little his peers respect him, he becomes visible, everybody awkwardly laughs, the ring is still a secret.  Scene.
   
   
5. More adventuring, they're hungry, they come to a clearing, there are wolves, wolves are angry, the crew climbs trees to hide from wolves, Bilbo is pathetic and can't climb trees so he climbs a dwarf instead, and gandalf throws fireballs at the wolves, and then the wolves go away, and then giant hawks come and pick them all up like a fast taxi service and everyone hangs out in a cool hawk tree house platform thing.  Scene.
   
   
6. They go to a bear-man's house, and Gandalf treats the bear-man like an idiot. G tells the whole "omg there were wolves and we climbed trees and we threw fireballs" story to the host and brings in the whole crew, two by two, and really acts like an asshole by treating the bear-man so insultingly.  Would you treat a man who could become a bear like an idiot?  Then everyone eats and drinks and smokes all night, bear-man tells people not go to outside or they'll die, they stay for a few days drinking and smoking and eating, and then they leave.  Bear-man doesn't eat anyone and I feel taken advantage of at this point. Scene.
   
   

Oh, I'm at the point in the book where if they describe their setting as windy one more time, I'm throwing this goddamned book into the subway tracks.  Led Zeppelin taught me that this world is MISTY and there is a MOUNTAIN and little creatures bounce to insane guitar riffs, but nowhere so far has that message really rang true.  The second half of this book better involve a lot more ass-kicking.

Comments

[Michael Sippey]

OK, I take it back. You need to read this whole book and blog the plot like this. Because, you see, I've never read any Tolkien, and I can already tell that I'd much rather read your plot summary of Tolkien. So, no Star Trek for you. Only Tolkien. Also, when you're done with Tolkien? Then maybe The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe. I never read that, either.

[Anil Dash]

I was gonna second this. I've never read any of the books, but they sound great this way. I assume from context that this all takes place in Oregon?

[nataliepo]

Sippey, I tried reading the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe as a kid and i thought it was RIDICULOUS. I tossed it after 15 pages. Hide and seek in a piece of furniture that leads to another world? Complete Bullshit. Then I saw the movie, and lost my composure in a completely silent theater laughing until I cried at two polar bears boxing. True story.

Anil, Oregon is a good guess, but this crew parties so hard I wouldn't be surprised if the setting was meant for Canada. I mean, how do we know that most of these creatures are NOT living in the wilderness of Saskatchewan?

[Ezra]

Fireballs? Surely I'd have remember that. Have they upgraded this book since I was a kid?

[Mike]

Natalie, since nobody else seems to have read it you should just start bullshitting the recaps. "And then a flying saucer came down and abducted Bilbo, and Gandalf's all like 'ROSEBUD!' and did I mention there were aliens?"

[finn]

Ezra: Gandalf sets pinecones on fire, and uses them against the wargs, so fireballs of a sort. I believe that chapter is entitled "Out of the Frying Pan into the Fire." Natalie also left out that the goblins set the trees they are all hiding in on fire, which is why they have to be rescued by the eagles (not hawks) from the tops of the trees.

[David Jacobs]

Finn, you may be inadvertently spoiling Natalie's eventual re-reading of the text.

[nataliepo]

Sorry, Finn. I was sleeping and reading through that segment. The whole scene felt like a video game where I was stuck with the lowly inept character (Bilbo) because he couldn't climb trees or do anything but whimper.

Eagles, hawks, birds with claws. Again, sleeping and reading.

Finn also refrained from correcting my spelling mistakes but not from telling me that he consciously refrained from doing so.

[nataliepo]

More on video game characters where you feel like you can never win: the shooter in Halo dressed in neon pink. It's clearly the token characters for gamer's girlfriends trying out the game, but it blends in with NONE of the environments in the game so the other players can spot you from a mile away. Bilbo is the Pink Halo Shooter of this book.

[Adam Rice]

I forgot all about the bear-man.

[rayners]

I sometimes forget about Beorn too, since he wasn't in the animated version. But, I hear he is supposed to appear in the upcoming movie(s).

[Tracie Lee]

er, you've mixed up the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe with the Golden Compass. The Golden Compass in book form is quite good! And it has a strong female lead character!