We're at the point in the story we've all been reading other books to pass the time waiting for: Bilbo has to go down into this big scary mountain and convince this dragon feller, Smaug, to give up his gold.
You probably weren't aware of this, but dragons aren't all fire and that blinking red bulb that you need to hit with the Master Sword while blocking rocks with your Hylian shield. No, man. Dragons can talk (gasp!), they have an incredible sense of smell (really!), and they're really OCD about having their stuff all in the right place.
In case you ever find yourself in a situation where, say, you'd like to casually influence the dragon to either leave or spontaneously die, take some notes from LL Cool Baggins.
- Wear your invisibility ring. (Why aren't you wearing yours right now, fool?!)
- Flatter the dragon. Call him by name, tell him that he's dastardly good-looking and intimidating, but don't play dumb like you're lost and you're looking for the 13th missing dwarf. You're in the pit of a cave where all you can hear is lava bubbling and a room-sized creature growling. It's too late for whoopsies.
- Don't give away that you're rolling 13-dwarves deep! Hello!?! I mentioned their heightened sense of smell because Dragons crave those cute, little, cakey filled, frosted topped, dwarves.
- Stock up on some good riddles. Make this dragon think he's capable of solving your silly puzzles, but make sure they're ludicrous enough not to make any sense or divulge that you're actually 3.5 feet tall. Try to tip him off to another location (like lame-o Lake Town, for example) to keep him thinking about you after he leaves.
- Wear heat-resistant clothing. I believe you can pick up a nice tunic like this one from the Goron families living towards the bottom layers of the volcano.
But, most importantly of all, - Get high off of your own confidence. Take a shot of whiskey, put on the invisibility ring, and set your iPod playlist to "Inspirational/Explosions in the Sky" to psyche yourself up for face time with the big lizard himself.
What happens after Bilbo follows these rules? The dragon ever so CONVENIENTLY hitches out of town for a few days, leaving the treasure completely exposed. ::: APPLAUSE :::
As much as I would have wanted this story to end peacefully and quietly, this, my friends, does not mean it's over.
*considers making dwarf cupcakes when this is all over*
Posted by: nataliepo | 02/18/2010 at 01:55 PM
+1 to dwarf cupcakes. and that's a hot tunic btw.
Posted by: kimmi8 | 02/24/2010 at 12:44 AM