Some ill shit is overdue in The Hobbit right about now.

So, defying all odds and logic, the dragon conveniently left his pit of treasures.  What the hell would you do if you just heard a witness' harrowing tale that this dangerous and huge creature aggressively seeks to devour your delicious ass? Would you fire up your little Dwarf-Droid and call your nearby pirate, bear-man, or lake peeps to rescue you from the danger they knew would happen? I mean, they let you stay at their place for free and drink all the mead that you want -- they must regard you as a brother, right?  Well, if you're in this particular gang of 14 with big dollar signs in your pupils, you head right into the moneypit, Ducktales-style.

 

Every one of them is walking around the dragon's lair and pocketing everything they can, practically doing the backstroke with their jovial selves surrounded by riches.  Long gone are the days when Bilbo's head and heels were singed with the dragon's firey breath, or that moody time they had when they were pretty sure death was coming their way.  No sirree! Ain't nothing gonna rain on their arkenstone-laden parade!

Yeah, right.  Somebody is about to get eaten or killed, and I'm going to guess who it will be.

WILL NOT GET EATEN:

• Bilbo.  People have already told me that he becomes more evil with this ring in later stages of his life, so he's categorically not going to die.  Plus, he has to make it back to his hobbit hole and prove he's not just a petite pink pig and all that.
• Gandalf.  This guy is effing MIA.  
• Bombur. He's the only plus-sized character, and he's already been in a coma where he awoke to unsupportive peers.  If he dies, Tolkien is sizeist.
• Dori, who was once called The Strongest of the group.  Can't eat him.  Sorry.

HAS A GOOD POSSIBILITY OF GETTING EATEN:

• Thorin. He's our most prominent character besides Bilbo and Gandalf, and he has a familial history with the dragon and the mountain.  It would make poetic plot-sense for him to die in order to defeat the dragon or reclaim the arkenstone or save the other sheep or whatever.
• Balin.  He normally serves as the lookout on dragon/spelunking missions, he's an old man, and he's very Pro-Bilbo.  Easy target.  Viewer's choice.
• Ori, Oin, and Nori.  Who the hell were those guys?  Moochers, that's who. 

SHOULD HAVE BEEN EATEN/KILLED ALREADY:

• Gloin.  He made the joke that Bilbo made a better grocer than a burglar.  The best way to foreshadow one's own death is to doubt the main character in the beginning. He should be gone by now, or should have betrayed the larger group and repented or something.
• Bofur.  He was on pony lookout!  Pathetic.
• Fili, Kili.  These bums "looked uncomfortable and stood on one leg" when Bilbo asked the crowd to help him on his mission.  I should eat these two on principle (and I'm a vegetarian!).
• Bifur.  I'm surprised this guy hasn't been naturally selected out of the group, since this is his claim to fame so far:

"Tomorrow begins the last week of autumn," said Thorin one day.

"And winter comes after autumn," said Bifur.

• Dwalin. This dude has a problem with taking responsibility for anything, and he's always pushing Bilbo closer to the firepit.  Kill this guy.

I'll keep reading, but seriously, Tolkien, prove to me that this mission is dangerous already.  And bring Gandalf back!

Comments

[Adam Rice]

And after winter, spring.

[snarkout]

Bilfur is Chauncey Gardiner.

[nataliepo]

I've already talked to Adam and David Jacobs about the possibility of dwarf-death, and neither of them "remember it". To me, that means that (a) they legitimately do not remember (b) they're lying to avoid spoilers (c) some characters on my "Should Be Dead" list croak, or (d) nobody is killed........

[Xris Ernest Hall]

Regarding dwarf-death, I haven't read The Hobbit in a while, but your instincts are generally right on.

[nataliepo]

Shit is still overdue, for the record.