The Rules of NEXT

What do you do in an awkward situation where you're exposed to avoidable unpleasantness in front of a wider audience? You want to raise your voice to stop the atrocity, but you don't know the protocol in ending the pain?

You NEXT, of course.  Here are the rules:

1. You have the right to NEXT any series of undesirable events. 

Examples include:

• Unfavorable songs in the car radio, party, or office iPod
• An email thread that will never end on a good note
• Any lover's quarrel (possibly including strangers')
• A religious wall-post war on Facebook
• SXSW tweets
• BP Oilspill (the spill itself, not the jokes)

 2. You have one UNNEXTABLE per week¹, whereby you can cancel another person's NEXT.

Ideal use cases include:

• An email thread that will never end on a good note, but you just want to see how it will play out
• Simultaneous NEXTs on an obviously terrible email thread, followed by an UNNEXTABLE for good measure, then followed by a global acceptance of the originally thrown NEXTs and scorn for the UNNEXTABLER as activity on the thread dwindles
• Lady Gaga songs
• Weddings

Be sure not to abuse the NEXT, though, or some people might out you as an ice queen^2,3.

Not sure how to get started?  Here are some more NEXT Techniques:

• text: NEXT
• Twitter direct or @message "NEXT"
• One word email, four letters, one punctuation mark:  "Sigh." if you're passive aggressive, "NEXT!" if you're me.
• Rude taxi cab driver refuses to take you to Brooklyn?  Do The New Yorker -- close that yellow door and shout "NAXT"!
• "You're talking too loudly in the library" NEXT (below)

 

Think about a society where we can plainly call each other out for being inconsiderate of your time!  Well, that's a little unrealistic.  These rules really only work for the rational and daring.  You don't have to be rude about it -- just be firm, straightforward, honest.  Show some respect.  Look them in the eye.   Put your hand on their shoulder.  Whisper: "Next". 

...

UNNEXTABLE!

¹ (resets on Monday mornings)

² David Bowie and Queen's "Under Pressure", Karaoke, SoHo Office, 2009

³ Iron Maiden's "Run for the Hills", Karaoke, 2009

Comments

[Paolo]

next!

[Alaina]

Thank you clarifying the rules and uses of NEXT as there as been some confusion around this topic at our office. I am bookmarking and posting this to our intranet for future reference.

[nataliepo]

Thank you, Alaina! And I'm happy to list any real-life NEXT or UNNEXTABLE scenarios that you may have.

[David Jacobs]

Matt Jacobs is the ice queen who nexted "Run for the Hills," live, sung by Finn and I in duet. I will never forget.

[Matt Jacobs]

Woh there. It's ice king.

[rayners]

NEXT-ed Run to the Hills? That's un-American!

And, yes, I see the irony in that statement.

[Nima Badiey]

as un-American as haggis... wait, what?
All "Mandatory Metallica", NIN, Nirvana and Smashing Pumpkins are un-nextable
All John Mayer songs are automatically NEXT-ed until a suitable NIN or Smashing Pumpkins song is located.

[Ed Vielmetti]

Around here, a good rejoinder to derail a conversation in a better direction is to ask "How about those Tigers?"

[nataliepo]

@emv, Ann Arbor is the best.

[killy]

Love your new blog. Can't wait to see what you write about. Go for it!